An Ill-Advised Adventure (No Pictures) (This One is Kinda Personal)

This post is deeply personal. It isn’t full of jokes. It is full of me laying out a problem I am having, and the awful lengths I am going through to fix that problem. If you know me well, you may find this section interesting. Honestly, I may not even post it, because it shows just how awful I am at being a responsible adult. Who knows? Either way, this is your warning not to read on if you don’t want to read me going deep into financial and psychological problems.

You have been warned.

So, Italy happened. In my head, it sounded like a great idea. See some historical sites, have some pasta… It all seemed like a grand idea. Coming in hot off the high that was Japan, I sought out that high again. It is addicting, when your brain is starved for joy. A little bit of happiness is something to be chased, and cherished. But, this was an ill-advised adventure, and I will be paying dearly for it.

Some background, if you will. I was diagnosed as bipolar. I tend to live in the depressive valleys more than the manic highs, so when something makes me happy, I reach out for it. I grasp it like a lifesaver in the ocean. Eventually those things that bring me joy, are no longer able to bring me to those same highs, like a drug if I’m being honest.

In the past, I have used movies, video games, TV, books, music… I’ve tried lots of things to grasp that joyful high. At this point, my living space is a perfect encapsulation of my mental state at any given time. It’s a mess, and it is filled with little (and not so little) things I have bought in the pursuit of that serotonin high. I have collections of art (my Scarlet Witch collection really is something to behold), pint glasses, shot glasses, figurines, Funko POPS, video games, movies, and books. I have stacks of books that I haven’t read yet, stacks of games I haven’t played yet, stacks of movies I haven’t watched yet… Because in the end it was never about reading, or playing, or watching… it was about GETTING.

What does this have to do with Italy?

Italy was a grab at that serotonin. It was a thing I did without regard to the financial burden it was going to put on me, I did it simply to… to feel. In the post Japan lull, my mental state deteriorated. I came crashing off a huge wave of happiness, and it hit me hard. At that point, everything seemed fairly safe financially. I mean, it was a huge cost, but I was managing.

It was perhaps a year post Japan that I decided the only way to reach that high again was another trip. The problem? I had not fully recouped financially from the Japan trip. And so, the debt snowballed. I kept lying to myself, telling myself that everything was working out, I hadn’t hit the tipping point…

…except I had. I had managed to spend enough that my paycheck was no longer going to be able to afford the minimum payments. At least not and maintain silly extravagances like “eating”. I told myself that the answer was simple… a debt consolidation loan. Take all the debt, lump it into a single monthly payment, and work around that. Sadly, I was turned down by several debt consolidation loans. Turns out having a massive debt to income ratio is a bad thing.

What was left for me? Get a second job? No… who would hire a person that is only available a few days every other week, not to mention my fear of people would have made just about any job taxing on my mental state, which would then lead to things spiraling out of control again.

One option presented itself when the third consolidation attempt fell through, the company suggested a “settlement” plan. Effectively, stop paying all my credit cards, and then negotiate a settlement. Using a company that would handle all the settlement details, and it made things so that I will only be paying that one company to cover the settlements.

So, I’ll be watching my spending for a while, possibly digging into those piles of books and movies and games and whatnot to keep me going.

But, if all goes well, in 4 years, I might be good to go for another trip. But, I may have to avoid that.

Long story short, I fucked up my finances, and I am working on repairing things in the post Italy landscape.